Argh 2003-09-30 8:51 p.m.
I feel so totally sick these days, and I do'nt know why. My stomach is hurting a lot. Maybe I'm not eating enough? I though of that and ate some corn chips, but that did not work...I guess I could go eat something else and work out more. ...and I'm now eating ice cream. Where, oh where did my self-control go? Meh...I guess I'll spend longer on the DDR pad tonight...
I totally bombed that A.P. Government test. Totally. I don't really care though. We had a quiz and Essay thing today in there as well...I wonder how I did on it..We also start Chapter 4 tomorrow. Bygollys, I'll ace that test, even if it kills me.
On a completely unrelated note...I thought about Michael last night and became a little sad (i.e. I cried >_<). I wonder why he changed so drastically from the time he was at my house to the time I went to his house..It just really didn't make sense to me. I loved him, and he was perfect in every way for me. Did I do something to him? Did I ruin things between us? I know I must've. I was scared, jealous, untrusting. I guess in the end he just got tired and became what I had made him out to be. I have also noticed that as of late, I've been asking myself a very important (well, at least I think so) question. Would I rather be alone all my life or would I rather be with the wrong person? I finally came up with an answer to it, that feels right for me. I'd rather be alone. Most of you that know me know that my greatest fear in the entire world is being alone, so I guess that says something, ne? I know who the right person is too. I've never had so much fun in my life as I have had with that person, nor have I ever felt so incredibly great around them. I can be myself around them, I could be whatever and they didn't care. Whether I fixed my hair or not, they always said I was pretty. I would've changed religions for them had they asked me; I would've given up my cat for them, even though I told them that the cat and I were insperable, that the cat would be there when they were long gone. The cat's still here, and they're not...so I guess that does hold true. I told them that I would never pick them over the cat, but I lied. I don't talk to them anymore, they probably don't have much to say to me anyawys. I've chosen to block them on my list though, and I've chosen to not dial their number. I need to do some growing up before I speak with them again. I may grow up in a year, I may grow up in 20...but whenever I do, I'll try to speak with them. Hopefully it won't be too late. I think this person is my first love. I have claimed to love people before this person, and to be honest, I don't feel that I did love them on that level. It was more obsession (Justin, TJ) and lust (TJ). The latter applies to Will as well.I guess the primary reason I like Will so much is that he puts me in mind of Michael, and yet, they are complete opposites. Will just is pretty like Michael. I don't think that Will's the prettiest person in the world. I guess I was just trying to cover up my pain with obsession and I failed.
"You know you're right."
EDIT: For all those who could not tell, my above rambling and ode was for Michael. Forgive me for the ambiguity of it.
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