I Cant Win 2004-01-20 10:39 a.m.
It seems the harder I try for something, the more it fucks me over. Like, today, I'm home from school. We were on late schedule and I got up at seven, but I laid in bed for a little bit and my stupid ass went back to sleep. And now, it's 11, school started an hour ago. I'm not ready, I don't have a way to get there, and I fucking hate it.
Sometimes, I don't even know why I bother with anything. The days I don't wake up late for school, I don't have a ride. It's hell to get Bev up sometimes, and I guess she thinks that it's super easy for me to get a ride. I realize that it's hard on her being my only transportation, but sometimes I feel like she does it to spite me. I feel like Bev truly does hate me. Whether she does or not, it doesn't matter. I'm staying here until May, regardless. That is, -if- I graduate. The way I'm missing school and shit, and I'm not even trying to. I usually will let anything pass, but you know...this is something I can't. I -have- to go to school. Have to. I don't really ask her to take me anywhere else, well, except to the orthodontist, but I'm not even going to do that after today. I can't really rely upon anyone.
So, the things that've happened since I last updated. Himeko had babies, six, and she ate three. There's a really small one in there that freaks me out. Josh came and went. There's not really too much behind that. I'm glad I got to meet him and all, and I enjoyed his company, but I guess I was glad to see him go home.
Lately, I've been very confused. Confused about myself. Confused about other people. I don't know what it is, but something as of late has been eating at me constantly, day and night, making me sick at my stomach. Like, I get so upset thinking about it that it literally makes me sick. I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't really know if I like anything that I used to anymore either..not even Tragic. I found myself looking at Tragic last night and thinking to myself "you know, he's not really that pretty today."
I need to find out what the fuck's going on. I need to find out who I am, and stick with it. I need to take a stand so that I don't lose myself to myself...if that makes sense.
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