Realizations Abound 2004-05-11 11:27 p.m.
Mood - Contemplative :: :: Meiko Kaji - The Flower of Carnage
So, I got to go with Megan Sunday...I would've updated then, but I was way too tired. I bought a lot of neat stuff...and for a good price..I'll do an edit later and tell all about it here.
My prom date (Jamie) and I have made plans to meet and go to the Chinese Restaurant on Thursday. I don't know if this would be considered a "date" or not. I should be happy about it. I could potentially get a boyfriend out of the process, right? That's what I bitch and complain about all the time, right?
Well, I called Jamie tonight and we get along rather well. I..think...he's interested in me...and he's a super attractive guy. I realized though, after I got off the phone with him, that I didn't really want a relationship with him or with anyone. I thought a lot about how I went about things with Michael. It went WAY too fast. I mean...we were sleeping together after a month. The relationship was handled in a horrible way. I mean, we fucked 3, 4, 5 times a day for 4 weeks. 2 weeks one month and 2 weeks another. I cared about Michael, loved him even, but I think we spent way too much time doing that. In the end, that's probably what made it end as horribly and as fast as it did. If I get into another relationship, which I don't want to for a long time, I want it to go slow. I want to take walks, go on dates, get excited about kissing. Geez. I don't even want to think about having sex with another person again for a long time.
I just don't think I'm ready for a relationship. I don't think I will be for a long time. I'm still pretty defensive when it comes to guys. I don't want another relationship like the one I had....I really don't. I don't want to be merely a piece of ass.
So, I think..if Jamie and I get along really well on Thursday and there's a huge possibility for a good relationship with him, I'll take things slow...if I decide I'm ready, which again, I don't think that'll be the case, and hopefully if I have to explain that to him, he'll understand.
I'm just so sick of going so fast with these guys I get involved with. Not only with Michael, but Brennan. That ruined our friendship HARDCORE. I wanted a relationship with him because I thought he cared about me because he said he loved me while I was jacking him off that one night. I hate that I'm that way with guys...there needs to be a change, and I'll stick to this one.
I think I can finally be happy being single now. I've realized the problem...and I'm going to solve it.
Go me.
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