Birthday 2003-11-16 12:38 p.m.
Woohoo! It's my birthday! I'm a whopping 17! One year closer to becoming totally legal. However, I feel most of my life until this point has been a failure. Mostly because of the whole driving thing, but I'll overcome that soon enough. I also need a car...Augh...Can't wait until emancipation.
I'm feeling very mixed emotions this morning. A sort of mental anguish. I'm kinda upset that the family wouldn't call me today to even wish me happy birthday. It would've taken all of 5 minutes to do so...So I called them. They're not home, and I doubt if the thought that "oh, today is Amanda's birthday" even crossed their mind. I know it crossed Dana's, I got my present from her on Friday. She rebought me the PS2, FF7, FF8, FF9 and FF10. I was kinda disappointed. Bev thought it was because I wasn't satisfied. I was glad to have some of my stuff back, but I specifically told Dana to not get Final Fantasy games becuase Bev had them and I wanted the ones she didn't have so I could play them. Did she listen? No. That's why I was upset. Oh well, I won't have very much time for playing them anyways. But I will say this much, I thank Dana very very much for finding a non-greatest hits version of FF7, hooray! I now have the white disks again...^_^ Though in some ways it doesn't really make me happy. The woman rarely bought me gifts for my birthday or Christmas before. I always bought them -myself-. She's doing it for show, really. To impress her newfound lover, and to make up for her abandonment of me in July. Well, guess what? It doesn't fucking work that way, Dana. I'll take what I can get, but I don't forgive. Not after the way I was treated and the HELL that ensued from my having to go and live at Mom's trailer. Not to mention 1400 dollars worth of my stuff was stolen. She can replace that, but she can never EVER make up for what she's done. None of them can. In fact, I quite hate the whole family! I hate them all, even Brooke. I hate my mother and my grandma for caring more about some 15 minute fuck than about me. I hate my sister for caring about her drugs and sex so as to have to steal my shit. And I hate the other sister for treating me like shit because she thought she was so much better than me. I could go on like this for a while, but I won't. I'll just thank the family for making me feel like shit every day, and especially on my birthday. It shouldn't really bother me, I expected as much, but it still hurts, and I still cried for a mere 2 minutes this morning. I thought about asking Bev if she would take me to my father's grave today, but according to my mother, he wanted me aborted anyways, so I don't see the use in it. It would just sadden me more, It'd be like "hey dad, it's my 17th birthday. But yeah, you didnt' want me born so I'm sure that wouldnt' bother you very much if you were alive."
I also imagined myself in a slightly different point of life at this time. I'm very very glad that I'm living here with Bev. That was something I didn't plan for, and something that I believe will help me out much in the long run. Not only am I away from the Hell known as "family", I'm getting a chance to get to know my friend again, and possibly overcome things and have a good bond with her again. I guess I just expected myself with Michael, really. Bev thinks I'm a crazy bitch for that, being in love with someone who totally shat upon me; she told me as much about the latter part (not the crazy bitch, she just said stupid ^_^; ). I agree with her. There're some things that just don't die though. It's not been like the other times with T.J., where I was obsessed, or with Justin, which is a similar scenario. I don't wake up and boohoo every morning because I'm single. I don't threaten to kill myself because that perosn hates me. No, I just wake up and go on with my dad. Certain things remind me of Michael. I guess that can't be helped though. This summer, Michael was a big influence in my life, probably in my personality too. That's all I did this summer - Michael. Literally and figuratively. I spent plenty of money too. with that money, I could've bought 4 new PS2s. But yeah. I just imagined myself in a different place. I'm no less happy than I would've been with Michael. In fact, I think I'm happier in my current position.
Oh yeah, I got a birthday call just a few minutes ago from a net friend. Thank you Eric, you crazy fool, for singing "Happy Birthday" to me. It was much needed and I'm really grateful for it. ^_^
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