Angst Angst Angst 2003-12-12 5:17 a.m.
My day yesterday was fairly horrid. It didn't help that I woke up at 7:45, no. Nor did it help that I was, surprise surprise, once again late for school. It's also the week before exams, so I'm angsting and stressing out.
I really don't think I'm going to pass my government exam. It's just a lot of stuff to remember, and I can't do it. As of late, my memory seems to be failing me in that area. I about cried over it yesterday evening. I just feel majorly overwhelmed by it all. At least I have my English and Geometry exam reviews done, and I don't have to worry about those for a while. Yesterday I even -sold- my english exam review to some idiot for 5 bucks. It would've been 10 if he'd taken the definitions. Normally, I wouldn't do this sort of thing..but I like money. Plus, the kid needed a quick good grade. It's not like he's going to come anywhere close to passing the exam anyways. So I give him a small grade in comparison to his others, and make a few bucks in the process. I think we both win.
In other more depressing news, for the first time in my high school career, I didn't make the forensics team. My score was an 89 (100 being the highest on that sort of thing) and the girl who placed first had a 93. There was also a 2nd place, and an alternate. I was ONE away from being alternate, and all of 4 points away from being first. This really kinda pissed me off while making me sad all at the same time. Mrs. Edgell said that I shouldn't worry, because I "did a good job, and it was tough for them to decide." Like that helps any. Rather, it blows. And what makes matters worse is that the very girl I beat out last year placed first.
I managed to visit my sister yesterday. She's been out of school all week..and I can definately understand why. She looks like total crap. I feel very very sorry for her. When I was there yesterday, she attempted to eat some chicken noodle soup. She got some of it down, but not all. I guess it's better than nothing though. I would also like to add that I was fairly pissed off when I went to Mom's house yesterday. They have a Christmas tree up, and I was looking to see if maybe..just maybe, I had some presents under there. Do I? Well, yes, I have one. Which appears to be clothes. I don't want clothes Mom. I want video games and anime. You say that it's too much to afford, but considering you got Keith 20+ gifts, I'd say that it wouldn't be if you'd learn how to manage your money and put kids before penises. <3 I guess I shouldn't expect much more though. Her comment the other day about how she wouldn't pay 60 bucks to get me Karaoke Revolution should've told me as much. Bev told me that I should've said something, considering I spent 54 bucks on her. But do I? No. I will say though that if they don't have ANYTHING that's fucking decent for Christmas (I mean, I'm not hard to buy for, I've told them what I like and what I'd like to have), and if I get clothes or some other bullshit like that, I'm just going to give them a big "fuck you" too.
I'm just beginning to lose interest in just about everything. It's been a slow process, but I've seen it in action. The very first thing that I lost interest in was art. Now, to hear it from Bev, she'd tell you I could never draw in the first place. I could though. I kept little sketch books in middle school, and just about EVERY day, I drew something anime-related (Mostly Sailor Moon). I got to a point where they began to look...Good. Then Brett rubbed it in my face and I just said "fuck it" and decided to not do it for a while. The second thing for me to lose interest in was relationships and boys in general. This was a more recent process. After that last relationship I'm just like "hmm...oh well. Kick me in the ass again." and I haven't really went after anyone as actively as I went after him. I mean, I've had minor crushes, and the whole escapade with Brian, but when it comes down to it, I could care less if I'm dating someone or not. It'd be nice, sure enough, but it'd just end anyways. Last night, I noticed that I've alost lost interest in video games. God forbid that! Now where's my soure of entertainment going to come from? I've been playin' games since I was 5. What the hell can I Possibly do now to entertain myself without them? And why would I not want to play them? Truth be told, the main reason for me losing interest in that is probably my sister's oh so stupid act this summer where she STOLE all the games I had except the ones I had taken with me and bought while I was there. Next thing on my list of non-interests...anime. I have been dying to see the full entirety of Sailor Moon in Japanese for 5, yes FIVE years. If I were'nt such a poor bitch, I'd say "screw the world" and go buy the season 1 box set now. The main reason for my lack of interest there these days is probably a lack of funds. Finally, I really have no interest in school anymore whatsoever. I mainly need school so that I can get into -college- so that I can get the hell out of here. Is that going to happen? Probably not. I probably won't be able to get into my school of choice. If I don't, I'm going to become even MORE apathetic, because then I'll have to go to some crappy community college (here or there...), work my ass off for a year, and then transfer and feel utterly stupid. I just don't even know why I bother with it anymore...I know I'm not going to get in.
And in the midst of all that this morning, I realize that I'm probably getting ready to rag. Oh joy..Yup..this definately seems like PMS angst/depression for me..
I pray that we don't have school today...Buchanan County is closed...and I'm hoping we will be too.
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