Keep Goin' On 2008-02-11 11:41 p.m.
I'm just going to jump right in and be very...open, I guess.
I met an amazing guy that was not Bradley in May 2007. He's older, has a degree, job, is very handsome, and we just talk...a lot. And get along pretty well. And nevermind that we have like 10000000% sexual attraction.
I met him at an animu convention, while drunk. I loved talking to him and all that jazz. My friends later set me up with him and here we are now. I'm still living in GA with Bradley, in his parents' house no less, and I am very conflicted. I'm pretty sure the relationship between Bradley and myself is dead, but I don't want to necessarily leave him, because I feel an obligation to him (but apparently not enough of one to be open and honest about Nick and to break it off with Nick). I mean, Bradley knows about Nick. He knows we've had sex. He must know how I feel about Nick, even though I'm pretty good at hiding how I feel.
I don't know though. Bradley quit going to school again last semester. No withdrawal, nothing. Just stopped going and fucked his GPA up horribly. I worry that he's never going to mature into a responsible adult and I worry that I will never be able to have the "adult" things in life that I want with him, such as marriage, kids, hell, even a life together. Bradley is a child himself, and I can't have kids with a kid. And I've been waiting 2 years since I moved down here for some sort of engagement ring or something, because you'd think after 3 years, you'd know whether or not you want to do that sort of thing after that amount of time.
But I'm severely in love with Nick. Definitely in "lust" too. I haven't felt this way with someone since I was 15. That all or nothing love that I'm not really sure is healthy, and that intense sexual arousal. I can't even get that way with Bradley, and haven't really been able to since before I met Nick. The thing that's funny to me though is he's not my typical Emo skinny boy preference. He's built (he works out a lot, har har), and has chest hair and curly hair, which I swore up and down, I'd never date someone who had those things. I also swore I'd never date an Italian, but here I am kind of doing it.
I really want children with him. I just got back from seeing him in Ohio this week and I already hate being back in Georgia. His family for the most part seems to like me (a welcome change from Bradley's mom hating me) and they're just all pretty amazing. His sister Julia is the little sister I always wanted to have. His other sister, Victoria, has a child that's 18 months old and terribly cute. And the whole family adores and fusses over her. I want children badly. Not just from a physical standpoint (because I am getting that pull, even though I know that right now is not a good time), but just in general. And I can't imagine having a child with Bradley's family. I don't have any family to let my child around, and Bradley has one sister. Blakely will never have children, since she is in love with some 60 year old married man. If I had children with Bradley, who would there be for my child? His parents and Blakely. I hate his parents and they can be kind of cruel, and not only that, but Blakely and Bradley are so quiet and maladjusted and I just...I don't want my child to be the same way. My child would also have no cousins, one spinster aunt, and that'd be it. And that to me is unbearably sad. I don't want my child to be alone like I have been. But you know what? I never felt alone as a small child. I had cousins and a few aunts and uncles and I was pretty happy. I hated them sometimes, but at least I had that experience as a child.
I just think Bradley and I are so fundamentally alike and at the same time so different, that we just cannot have a romantic relationship. Not that Nick and I don't have our own problems - he's stubborn and difficult, but honestly, that's workable. He'll listen when I talk about problems we're having and he really tries. Ever since I've been with Bradley, I've complained about his parents and about how he basically has no motivation in his life, and nothing has changed in 10 years.
But I can't hate Bradley. He's just such a nice kid and he's very important to me, even if it's not in the romantic sense. I'm almost tempted to give up any chance at happiness I have just so he isn't hurt. But how is that fair to me? Or anyone else?
I feel like I'm rambling. I don't know what I'm going to do. I hope I move out just by myself soon and Bradley stays with his parents. If he decides to come along, I wouldn't say no, but I'd feel trapped too. I should just have a talk with him, but...I can't. I just can't hurt people's feelings. I've never really broken up with anyone, but at the same time, I've kind of tried to do just that over and over for almost a year with Bradley, and I'm just such a pussy about it. I'm not really being fair to him though, or to Nick, since I'm just adopting this whole policy of "Well, I'll worry about it tomorrow and just do what makes me happy today."
But Bradley deserves to be happy for once in his life (as do I), and I'm just really not doing that for him.
Also, I have an awesome job, but I hate working. I'd much rather be in school with my 3.75 GPA. Too bad I couldn't get that student loan. At least I have health insurance. I need desperately to get a mouth guard / retainer combo, since because of how stressed out everything makes me, I've taken to grinding my teeth and it has chipped some of my teeth. Not very noticeably, but it's enough to bother me.
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