Blow Me Away 2003-12-23 12:05 p.m.
And I quote from T.J.'s journal :
"Here's a question: After ending a relationship, whether it be temporary or permanent could you either talk to the person and know that with each time that you talk to this person that you could never have feelings for the person like you did before and the very thought of that tearing away at the essence of your soul by each phrase you utter or would you just never talk to the person again and make certain that you don't create any more hardship for either person involved but at the the same time tearing a void in what used to be and what will never be again?"
Here's my answer, Jay. Don't talk to them! Don't set yourself up for being hurt more!
T.J's rant on love and relationships satisfied me verily today. I wholeheartedly recommend that everyone read it. It actually made sense. Blow me the fuck away, T.J. I still think you're a self-righteous pompous moronic bastard, but even YOU can make sense at times.
Now, here's my rant, T.J.
When a relationship's over, there is no way of mending it most times. There has to be a lot of love in it, and most times there is no love. Never was in these same cases. It's just people using people for something under the pretense of love. I use people for security and get blinded thinking I'm in love, when really all it is some form of obsession or lust or a combination of both. I needed to be around guys and feel cared about. When you break up with someone, and try what you can to get together with them (in a reasonable time period - 4 months tops) and nothing happens, and you can accept it gracefully, but yet you still care...I believe you loved that person. Depression (long bouts of it) and hatred aren't necessarily needed, but they do make you feel better, no? It's easier to not love someone if you can trick yourself into becoming emo and blaming the relationship's failure on them. It's also easier to not care if you fool yourself into believing that you hate them.
I, like you, am one of those people who has decided to call it quits forever. I don't want a man who can tear me all to pieces after his lust is satiated after a few months and my money (try $900 - $1100) is gone. I could've spent the money on Sailor Moon DVD box sets, the ones I've been wanting forever. If I had done that, guess what? They might still be here. If not, it's cause my stupid ass lost them, or someone else's stupid ass stole them. Hell, screw relationships. Get a pet. Get a cat! Get a dog! I prefer cats. That's why Tragic is so important to me. My cat can't fuck me and then five minutes after finishing, after I'm in pain and bleeding, say "well, bitch, I never loved you in the first place."
The main problem with relationships is that you have limited control over them. That freaks people out, because they get pissed when they can't control other people.
And as far as Anya, T.J., you knew what you were getting yourself into. Only a MORON would think that a girl 1000+ miles away is going to leave her REAL fiancee for you, when you are nothing but someone who disappears after the phone or computer is turned off. Course, I have no room to talk. Bev has told me herself that I worry far too much about people that I'm never going to see. In a way, she's right. It scared me at that moment, that I might be turning into you: Picking the internet over real friends.
Love these days doesn't exist. Not without some ulterior motive. Actually, I believe it does, but it's a rarity. Perfect fairy tale love doesn't exist. It's just that...a fairy tale.
"My emotions are not a thing to be tampered with. I am extremely defensive if someone wants to have some fun with them. Some are luckier than others as to how bad things can get when my emotions are pushed to the brink...but I'd rather not talk about such things. I don't like pain much in any way, shape or form and I don't like inflicting it either because then I feel awful or I feel that I have let someone down...I can't bear letting someone down...often that leads me to picking up slack for others when they get shot at emotion and opinion-wise...I'll sometimes step in the same defensive motion that I would for myself as a means of support. Whether it fails or not, it my nature, I can't go back on it. If my emotions get potshots taken at them then I will automatically put a defense up, that's my nature."
Mine aren't to be tampered with either. Maybe you didn't screw me over directly, but you influenced it with Michael. He and I were fine until your stupid ass came into the picture, or so I thought. Of course, it's his fault too for being a spoiled brat. Yes, that's the perfect thing to call him. You surely must've been jealous right? With his Mom and Dad getting him ANY and EVERY thing he ever wanted. I guess the fact that he got your "ex" was just too much to handle too, huh? I believe you did it out of jealousy, though you'd never say that or admit to it.
By the way, that last paragraph of yours is bullshit. Particularly this sentence :
"
Those that believe or know that they have found this person thank your lucky stars. If you plan on being with each other for the rest of your lives and love each other passionately with all of your own, then I don't care who you are; if you've got that much determination and want for one another then you have my respect and hope that you continue in that fashion."
You couldn't leave Michael and me well alone could you? Fuck your hypocrisy.
I believe we are even. You are in the same low ass gutter that I'm in. Only difference is...I can cut my computer off and not care about Michael these days. Can you do the same concerning Jen? Get a pet, T.J. Get a real life, then maybe you'll find what you're looking for.
As for me, I'm going on a journey of self-discovery. To find out why I feel like I do for certain people. Why I feel I have to be near them, even when I hate them and they hate me. And why that I can't let old hatred die down.
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